I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He shit in the fireplace
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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