someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't deserve a penis
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
