Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
