If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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