you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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