Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
