Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
