Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
