i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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