I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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