this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
