I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
