If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
