Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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