i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
