Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
