Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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