and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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