I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
