remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
