Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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