look no pants
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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