My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
