Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
