i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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