Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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