And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
