dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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