Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
