There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
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