it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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