What a fucking waste of an outfit
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
