My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
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Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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