that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
