im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
