Non-Jews are for practice
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
