This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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