i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
