Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
