i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
