Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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