it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
