i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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