I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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