found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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