I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
