Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
