my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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