Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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