GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
