Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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