when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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