i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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