turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
