we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
