I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
