guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
